(Pt.1) Apologies and forgiveness

For some time, I had been getting signs from the universe to check myself about pride and anger which I swatted away because I thought I had done all the growing I needed to do in those departments but after some fuck ups I decided to receive these signals and sit with myself about it.

I realized that the way I process these emotions was stopping me from doing a lot of growth and healing that I needed to do in order to be who I am meant to be, want to be. This led me to apologies and forgiveness, offering and receiving them -this was where a lot of my pride and anger reared its head these days. I was not apologizing like I should after a misdeed or forgiving when I should, especially to the people I love and care about.

I began to ponder: are apologies and forgiveness necessary? Why? What should an apology entail? And I wondered if I apologize to or forgive others as often as I should, especially my loved ones?

“Pride prevents me from apologizing when I should”

Gina and I

I ended things with Gina, when I finally realized that she did not care for me in the way that I would have liked especially after she neglected to show up for me on my birthday.

The final straw for me was when she did not check on me after learning that I had been to the emergency room for what we thought at the time was COVid. The night before the final straw, we spoke and I told her how I felt about her not showing enough care, she in turn promised to do better and infact asked if could come spend the weekend whether I was sick or not.

I was happy to hear that and already knew my answer but told her that I would sleep on it and let her know the following morning. Imagine my surprise when I wake up that morning to find this woman active all over socials but not one phone call or text message to my phone about my well-being and this was past 11 AM. Lmao I was devasted.

But no really though. I mean you tell me, was I being extra?

It was clear to me that this person did not care for me (in the way I would like) so I too felt the need to show her that I didn’t care either. I texted her immediately to let her know that I had slept on it and I realized that I did not want her to come visit me and I also made sure to tell her to “log outta my mama shit”. My mama shit being my mother’s Netflix. Yeahhhh, that was my idea of showing that I did not care…the Netflix jab. Ridiculously small and childish. Anyways, just like that we were done.

After sending the text, I continued to scream “log tf outta my shit” at my phone for about 5 minutes and she wasn’t on the phone or anything. I think it was either the meds or my hurt feelings or a combination of both but I sure did loose it for those 5 minutes.

The moment I calmed down, I felt even worse. I felt shame. Shame for throwing this small thing in this person’s face and for my reaction. Although my feelings of hurt and upset were valid, I felt shame because I knew personally that I could have handled my emotions better. But because I felt hurt by her first, I refused to entertain the thought of apologizing or being remorseful about. I thought to myself, “fuck herrrrrrr!”

Since acknowledging how I allow pride affect my personal growth and relationships by controlling when and to whom I express contrition and remorse to, I have since reached out to Gina to apologize. And this apology was coming 2 months after the fact. I called first, no response then decided texting would be even better because I did not want our communication to be more than my apology. So I texted.

I was very honest and called myself out for being prideful, childish and petty in wanting to hurt her and using my Netflix log in to do so as though she was a plebian or some shit which she did not deserve. It was important to me to let her know that she did not deserve that type treatment.

My apology was not for reconciliation nor absolution from the way she treated me. It was about me and my character. I wanted to prove to myself that pride was not gonna be a hinderance going forward. Also that I do not have to treat a person unkindly or “do them like they do me” just because I feel slighted or wronged by them. I have done that many times than I can count or remember and honestly, it never works for me nor my conscience. So that is something I am working on too.

Gina reached out to me some days later and accepted my apology. She said, “I’m not surprised you reached out as you can be thoughtful when you don’t let your emotions consume you.”

She ain’t never lied and I have never been read so eloquently.

She apologized for her end of things and told me that she had a lot going on in her own world that she did not share which was why she wasn’t so present for me. We chopped things up and went about our lives.

So I apologized, was forgiven. Then received an apology and in turn, forgave. I even got my closure which I was not expecting. Hello somebody!

I am not cured of being prideful just yet, seeing as though I am still offering apologies 2 months (sometimes even years after). But I am very aware of the problem and I am working it which is perfectly fine. I am going to be gentle with myself by allowing myself grace to grow from those fuck up moments that I’m going to have along the way because they’ll never end, right? (be careful now, don’t do too much honey). So as I continue to fuck up, I will continue to offer apologies -where necessary. Pride be DAMNED!

-Lily.

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